我的心是你的

fragileminded:

I get this question a lot and I guess it’s time to type it up and leave it out there. I don’t know if this will be useful for others but I’ll tell you my story and what I found helpful. Recovering from self harm is a process, a slow process - probably with setbacks and regrets too but the key to success is to never give up - even if that might sound like a cliche. 

Before I give you my hopefully useful tips, I’ll give you pieces of my story. 

I was twelve years old, almost thirteen - the first time I cut. I immediately knew this wasn’t the last time I’d be doing it. I guess it started out gently, I only did it on my left arm, a very small area I could easily cover up and hide. After a while I started cutting my ankles because that was even easier to hide. I wasn’t addicted, it was more an issue of discipline. If I felt like I’d failed - at anything - I’d cut to punish myself, sort of to prove who was in control. Cutting was often related to my eating disorder, if I’d eaten too much or not lost enough weight - but also if I argued with my family or didn’t get the grades I was aiming for in school. 

When I was fifteen I was in school doing a dancing course on top of everything else, I danced for eleven hours a week and I started cutting my left thigh instead because when you’re dancing your arms are often supposed to be bare. 

By the time I was sixteen I no longer wanted to live. I was in so much pain, I saw no end. Lost my hope, lost my way. After my first suicide attempt I stopped going to school. I had to move back home to my mother and I didn’t have anything left. I’d started cutting my upper left arm and it was an accident the first time the blade touched my lower arm. I just felt like I’d ruined the clean skin with a stripe going downwards so I kept doing it. 

I had this: anorexia, bulimia, a death wish and razorblades. I wasn’t in school or doing anything useful. I was hospitalized that year for two months. I remember how my wounds looked, for some reason I took a lot of pictures of my own cuts. I’ll never forget. I self harmed a lot but I never really told anyone when I did it so I never got stitches, I didn’t treat my wounds or scars with respect at all. I didn’t even bother to put bandaids on, I put on black sweaters so no one would see my bloodstained clothes. 

I think I had a pause for five months, at least it wasn’t as intense for a while when I was living with my dad. When I moved back to my mother - it got worse.

I remember it so clearly, getting my first stitches. I got up one morning in May and stepped on the scale. I don’t remember if I’d gained or if I just hadn’t lost weight since the day before but I needed to punish myself for this - so I cut. This time it wouldn’t stop bleeding and I was meeting up with a friend of mine. She’s seventeen years older than me and work with “troubled kids” but she never worked with me, she’s just a friend. Since it wouldn’t stop bleeding - I told her about it and she drove me to the emergency room where I got it stitched up. 

I remember how the doctor said “you should’ve been here lots of times before. Are these your first stitches? How long have you been doing this to yourself?”

In some sick, twisted way I felt relieved and maybe even proud when I got stitches, I felt like I’d succeeded, like I’d achieved something. Rapidly it became a habit. Whenever I was angry - I’d cut, whenever I’d gained weight - I’d cut, whenever something went wrong - I’d cut. And I’d get stitches. I wanted to get stitches. Secret signs of tragic victory. 

You wouldn’t really think it could get any worse but this was just the beginning. In august 2008 I was admitted because I was severely underweight. I still preferred to keep my mouth shut while I was inpatient, to just not tell anyone about it. At the same time I was hopeful, thinking I could get better, maybe even recover completely and start living my life again. 

2009 was the peak of my tragic career as a cutter. I was still inpatient and I was being sent back and forth between a place that couldn’t handle my self harm and a place that could. By now I was draining the blood. I’d cut and let it drip out until I became dizzy or until I passed out. I remember those horrible weeks where I was severely anemic, those pools of blood someone else cleaned up, passing out in the halls, in the elevator on my way down to the ER, I remember being caught as I fell and I remember being given a choice. Getting blood transfusions or taking iron supplements. I chose supplements. 

July, August, September. Too much blood lost, too many stitches on my body, too many medications, too many sedatives, too much pain. There’s a person I want to thank because somehow she saved me. She was often working, often cleaning up my mess, often holding my hand while I was being stitched up and everyday she told me I was worth more. “It’s enough now”, those three words. Enough. It was enough. 

By now I’d ran out of healthy skin on my arms, everything was scar tissue. It’s hard to cut and even harder for doctors to stitch up because the skin becomes hard and rough. 

And I’d had enough. I was sick and tired of this, trying to cut my way out of everything but in the end it got me nowhere. It just added to my pile of pain and trauma. Scarred. For life. Scarred forever. 

I’ll give you a list of strategies and techniques I personally find useful. 

• Sometimes the best thing you can do is to do nothing. I know it hurts but sometimes it’s for the better no matter how painful it is to just feel it. 
• I used stickers. Everyday clean I gave myself a sticker. It might sound pathetic but it made me smile as I collected STICKERS over STITCHES. 
• Whenever the urge appeared I’d tell myself to do it in an hour. I’d just have to wait one hour, then I could do it. When my hour was up, I repeated this. Again and again until I got through the day. I promised myself I could do it tomorrow and I kept pushing it in front of me, trying my best to avoid it. 
• Distractions. Do something you like doing. Personally I think this is where my addiction for TV-series began to develop. Call a friend. Write about what you feel. Write about why you’re angry or hurting. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Clean your room, tidy. 
• REWARDS. Write a list of things you want. Either material or things you want to do, such as go see a movie or go to a café, get a piercing, go shopping, something like that. Range it from cheapest to more expensive as your list grows. 
• I counted days and hours, tried to push myself to go further and further. When I screwed up I had to start at zero again but I was determined to break my personal record. I remember counting 1, 4, 9, 13, 21… 
• Write a list of pros and cons of cutting. 
• Write a list of everything you HATE about cutting. Make the list visible, keep it close and read through it every time you feel like cutting and ask yourself this: “IS IT WORTH IT?” 
• Write a list of all the negative feelings you get from cutting. Shame, guilt, hiding your scars, insecurities, etcetera. Do you want to keep feeling this way? Like a failure?
• In one way or another - cutting is holding you back. Write a list of all the things cutting is taking away from you. Wearing a fancy dress? Wearing what you like? Going to the beach? 
• The Butterfly Project, TBP. Every time you feel like cutting you’re supposed to draw a butterfly on your skin and name it after a person you love. If you cut- you’ll kill the butterfly. You’re supposed to let the butterfly fade naturally while you’re not cutting yourself. If one butterfly isn’t enough, draw as many as you need. If a butterfly is fading, draw another.
• Red pen. I used to journal with red pens, imagining writing those words with blood.
• Red pen on your skin. Draw the blood you’d see if you’d cut yourself. 
• Rubberbands on your wrist. Pull it and let go. 
• Addicted to the pain? Hold ice cubes in your hand and don’t let go. It hurts, try it if you haven’t already.
• I had and have an obsession with blood, preferably dripping blood. Dye the water of the ice cubes you’re making red and see the red water drip as you’re holding the ice cube and feeling the pain. 
• One day my stepmother dragged me to the kitchen and opened a cupboard. She took a plate and handed it to me and she said “drop it”. I said “What?” and she told me to drop it. To break it. I didn’t do it so she took out a plate herself and smashed it. “Do it, come on. Break it.” I did. And she handed me another plate and told me to break that one too. I did and she told me I should break glass instead. If you’re angry and need to break something - break glass instead. It’s satisfying to see shards of glass flying everywhere. Glasses and plates can easily and cheaply be bought from a second hand store or something like that. Either way - you’d probably waste those money buying bandaids, right? Scars might not fade but broken glass can be thrown away. 
• The glitter jar. You need a glass jar, water and glitter. When you feel the urge you’re supposed to shake it and watch the glitter until it settles. Do it again. Imagine the floating glitter being your chaotic feelings, imagine your feelings settling.
• BREATHE. Don’t forget to breathe. 
• I also had a thing for throwing bread crumbles AT ducks. It might sound cruel, but small bread crumbles wont hurt birds or ducks if you hit them. Often, most of the time you’ll miss either way because the wind or the air will catch the crumbles and either way, ducks and birds are always happy for bread crumbles. 
• I had a friend who likes crumbling paper into balls and throwing them around. Personally I like tearing paper apart. Throw it around if you’re angry. 
• Can’t decide what to do to distract yourself? Write suggestions for yourself on pieces of paper, fold them and put them in a box or jar. Shake it and pull out a note - do it. If it’s not what you want to do, pick another note. When you’ve done what the note says and you still feel like cutting - take another note and do that too.
• Remember that sometimes the best thing you can do is to do nothing. Keep pushing it in front of you. 
• Feel like you need to get your anger out? Turn the music up loud and scream in to a pillow. 
• CRY. For gods sake - if you feel like crying, CRY. 
• Burn your feelings. I don’t know what your sink is made out of but do this some place where your house or nothing else will catch fire. Write your negative feelings on small notes and burn them. Oh and keep water nearby. 
• Like photography? Try capturing you EMOTIONS. 
• Paint your nails. I DO THIS A LOT. Probably my first choice for handling negative emotions. When you’ve done it you can’t move for a while because you’ll fuck up your nails. It might sound vain but it really isn’t. People paint pictures, I paint nails. Still stressed out? Do another layer or try doing designs. I easily lose track of time while painting my nails. 
• Some people carve words in to their skin. FAT for instance - don’t do that. It will always be there as a reminder. Ask yourself, would you get that as a tattoo? “I’m fat”? Someones name, do you always want to remember that person even if it’s someone that are not supposed to be in your life? 
• Money. Get a jar and every time you feel like cutting - add a dollar / pound / whatever. Watch the amount of money grow and use it to reward yourself for avoiding cutting instead. 
• Scars are reminders. Reminders of episodes, incidents, feelings. Do you really want to remember all those episodes when you look at your scars? I have scars like that, I can remember the dates and days I did them and why. Do you really want to keep a reminder when it’s something you should forget? 
• I don’t know if you smoke cigarettes - but IF you do, smoke a cigarette and wait for the urge to pass. Or drink a cup of tea / coffee, whatever.
• EXERCISE! Not obsessively but it helps me a lot when I’m angry, I just feel like I’m letting it all out and the anger usually makes me go harder and faster. Endorphins does make you happier. I love running. 
• Think twice. 
• Personally I got both my wrists tattooed. Whenever I feel like cutting, whenever I’m sitting with a razorblade in my hands, I look at my tattoos and I’m reminded of the beauty in life. People I love, good memories. 
• You might feel like shit today, tomorrow, next week - but it WONT always be this way. Bad feelings will pass.
• Things will get better if you let them.
• The urge will fade after a while. It will get easier. I’m not going to promise you that it will completely disappear because I still have days where there’s nothing I’d like to do more than cut - but you’ll get through it.
• Without struggle - there is no progress.
• Stopping is a slow process. Remember how long you’ve been cutting? How long it took you to fall to where you are? It takes time to climb back up again too. 
• And your scars? Don’t let them stop you from being who you are or who you want to be.
• Self harm, does it feel like you have a little voice inside your head telling you you deserve to suffer and be in pain? That you deserve to hurt yourself? Did you know you can hurt this little voice back, shut it up by NOT doing what it tells you to do? There’s something bittersweet about revenge. 
• Where there is a will - there is a way. 
• Dreams and goals. Write a list. Would you rather achieve that or make your cuts worse? 
• You deserve better. 
• Don’t give up
• You will find something that works for you.
• Whenever you fuck up - never stop trying. 
• Always give yourself a second chance, a third chance, a fourth, fifth, sixth chance. You deserve all the chances in the world. 
• You like drawing? Draw how you feel. Or paint it. Find a NOT destructive way to express yourself. 
• Struggle with impulsivity? All of a sudden you’ve cut and you didn’t mean to? You just lost control for a second and did it? Throw away your razorblades. Make your tools of destruction unavailable. 
• Stop for a minute, take a deep breath, again - think twice. Is it really worth it? 

My first long streak of days without self harm was 112 or 113 days. I screwed up big time for a couple of months but after that I did 60 WEEKS without self harming. I’ve had my episodes where I’ve fallen back to this kind of self destructive behavior. I like to NOT see these episodes as relapses because it makes me feel like “all is lost” and all is not lost. Even if I cut myself the other day - I didn’t ruin all the progress I’ve made because a day without cutting is still a day without cutting - even if you don’t manage to count as many days in a row to begin with. Everyday is a victory. 

If I can do it - so can you. I’m not better than you, I’m not stronger than you. I’m not superior in any way at all - I’m just determined. 

Don’t give up - ever. You can beat this and you can get better, you can break free.